Mike Teavee, Mystery Hunter
by CreativityTheEmotion
Summary: Mike Teavee doesn't like mysteries. Therefore, once he comes across a mystery surrounding one of the other Golden Ticket winners, he is determined to get to the bottom of it. Violet and the Partner in Crime to Literature perspective change.
1. Lithuania

Alright, I guess that this story needs to be told. More than once, in fact. I guess I am adding something to it by showing how I perceive things. Time will tell if I actually contributed to the telling of this story.

Let's begin with an introduction, shall we?

I am Mike Teavee, one of the winners of Golden Tickets for Willy Wonka's factory. I am the one who hacked the system to get my ticket, and I am the one who got shrunk down by television (makes sense, right?) and then stretched by the Taffy Puller. And yeah, that is about the only interesting fact about me.

No, wait, it isn't. Some people also consider the fact that I work for Google now interesting. But I see it this way: with my genius, I was bound to wind up somewhere high-profile. So, that is two definite facts about me. As I've said, I'm not that interesting.

In fact, among the Golden Ticket winners, I am most likely the least interesting one. So that is an anti-award pinned to me. And its polar opposite, the award for the most interesting Golden Ticket winner, probably would go to Violet Beauregarde. So that is a prize she can add to the hundreds that she owns already.

Seriously. After work, I was checking on social media, and I discovered that Violet had uploaded a new YouTube video, delightfully called "France Gall feat. Violet Beauregarde - Poupée de cire, poupée de son (50th Anniversary Edition)".

 _How does Violet even come up with this stuff?_ I wondered in my head, remembering the previous collaborations she did. Off the top of my head, there's Veruca Salt (the band, not one of the other Golden Ticket winners), Jacksepticeye and some European girl I am not even going to bother spelling the name of here.

Just for shits and giggles, I decided to check out the comment section for the video. I know, YouTube comment sections are the ultimate cesspool of the Internet, but for this one time, I couldn't resist. I thus put on the song (which, by the way, was also in French, which I can't understand and never will) on repeat and read on.

Right off the bat, I could see that Violet- excuse me, "Vi 'Garde" (a name which I can immediately tell has been ripped off Vi Hart) had been responding to some of those comments. Her style of commenting usually involved proper spelling and capitalization, which I appreciated, but also not really, since she was interacting with some of the dumbest people on the planet.

There were also comments from pretty much everyone you'd expect, including myself. Well, I didn't comment, but someone else took my name and did. They, of course, said something about how they like chocolate, which I still don't like and especially not after Wonka's tour.

Overall, after reading the comments for way longer than necessary, I had two takeaways. One, there was an intrinsic link between Violet and an European country by the name of Lithuania, and two, there was another story behind this all, called Spectators of the Show or something- er, sorry, I meant to say Spectators of the _Host_.

I thus decided to explore both of those takeaways further, because they were complete mysteries to me, who only believed Violet to be a gum-chewing champion. Without further thinking, I entered "violet beauregarde lithuania" into Google and searched on.

The first thing that came up was a news article from some Lithuanian (of course) news site, posted in September of 2013, called "Incident at the Kaunas Akropolis - false sixth Golden Ticket announcement, Lithuanian man claims to be Violet Beauregarde". The news article is fairly short, so I might as well copy and paste all of it here.

* * *

 _KAUNAS, LITHUANIA - A commotion in the local mall, the "Akropolis", on September 2nd, 2013, has caught the public eye's attention for a brief moment._

 _The onlookers claimed that the commotion started when a woman in a purple coat (later identified as Violet Beauregarde, the winner of the third Golden Ticket of the 2005 Willy Wonka contest) bought a Wonka bar at the mall's largest shop, a Maxima XXX. Violet then put the Wonka bar away and pulled out something golden out of her coat._

 _This was misinterpreted by security as the finding of another Golden Ticket, and as such, soon thereafter, an announcement was made via the public announcement system. The announcement was as follows:_

 _"The second Wonka's Golden Ticket rush, which has lasted for a year now, finally paid off, as the sixth Golden Ticket was found right here, in the Kaunas Akropolis. So far, the lucky winner hasn't been recognized, but now she stands on the first floor, having just exited the Maxima XXX, and wears a purple coat. By the way, I quickly remind you of the first five Golden Ticket winners: a German, on whom no data has been found in the future, Augustus Gloop, a British nut sheller Veruca Salt, an American Olympic champion Violet Beauregarde, an American hacker Mike Teavee and a Canadian current chocolate factory co-owner Charlie Bucket."_

 _This caused a group of people to gather around Violet, wishing to see the Golden Ticket for themselves. As the crowd grew, Violet walked away, leading the crowd to follow her. Eventually, one Lithuanian man went up to Violet and asked something. While Violet was conversing with him, he made the claim that he was Violet as well, causing another commotion._

 _The two then walked away from the crowd into a remote place. There, for reasons unknown, Violet fainted in the man's arms. There, the two were found by the man's parents, and the group then left the mall, not followed by anyone of interest. The man's real identity remains unknown._

 _Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket have commented on the incident, claiming that no Golden Tickets have been released since the initial contest. They also claim that they might have a lead on the man who purported to be Violet._

* * *

Well, if you can't find data on where Augustus is in the future, then you haven't been looking hard enough. He is the manager of some local butcher business, since his father is apparently a butcher himself. Also, the best you could do on me was "an American hacker"? Really? With the amount of research you did, it would not have been out of place for you to report that Veruca is somehow the band.

At any rate, fantastic. So apparently, there is a Lithuanian man who is convinced that he is Violet. And if that wasn't enough, out of all people, Wonka and Charlie might know what is going on. This might just call for me to organize another visit to the Chocolate Factory. I know, the gates will probably be locked, but I will sneak in through the ventillation system if I need to.

Anyway, there still was another takeaway to explore. I went back to my YouTube tab, scrolled a bit through the comment section, selected "Skepness Man Beauregarde" and selected the context menu option to Google that, and the first result was for a story named "Post-SCrash Session 3: Spectators of the Host".


	2. Spectators

_Author's idiotisms: A brief answer time!_

 _ **"How old is Mike in this?"** Well, I distinctly remember reading that he was 13 in the 2005 movie, and since this story is set 10 years later, that would make him 23. I know, that's probably a bit young to work for Google, but also, 13 is a bit young to hack the system and get that Golden Ticket in the first place._

 _ **"why is it violet is always be getting hurt or attcked or other stuff like that"** Because:_

 _1) Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer, Violet and the Partner in Crime to Literature and Mike Teavee, Mystery Hunter take place in the same universe and concern the same event and_

 _2) Just Before the Anthology was inspired by a misinterpretation of Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer and even used to be called "Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer v2"._

* * *

Well, Post-SCrash Session 3: Spectators of the Host is sixteen chapters long. No, wait, I meant fifteen chapters and one "intermission", since the story pretends it's theater, which it isn't. So, I won't be copy-pasting it here, but I will say something about it.

I know I already said this about Violet, but I think it bears repeating: How does ASBusinessMagnet even come up with this stuff?

My favorite part of the story probably is the fact that "Janet Roberts" and "Meanie Pixies" or whatever they are called apparently share a body, despite having different appearances and personalities.

No, my favorite part is how, when talking about some characters, there are random French phrases that I've never heard of. "C'est la vie" or "omelette du fromage" just wouldn't have the same impact as whatever ASBusinessMagnet wrote.

No, my _favorite_ part is how one chapter begins with "Aranna Sorket"'s POV, but then, once she and "Lately Pirate" (absolutely fantastic name to have, by the way) have a chat, after it we follow Lately instead.

No. My favorite part is how there is zero consistency in the chat program that they are using. Apparently, first Aranna "pesters" Janet/Meanie/whatever, then Lately "cheers" Aranna and lastly, harmlessExcellence "bothers" Skepness Man.

No, my favorite part is how one of the characters is named "California". As in, the US state. And his sister has a name no less amazing: "Cantaloupe", as in the fruit. At this point, I can clearly see that these weren't the original names that these characters had. Whatever they were, I am sorry that your author has mangled them in such a way.

No, my favorite part is how Violet (who is apparently harmlessExcellence; big surprise) apparently lives in Tbilisi, Georgia. As in, the European/Asian country, and not Atlanta, Georgia, the United States.

No, my favorite part is how Violet can spit a chewing gum piece straight into someone else's mouth and make them choke on it.

No, my _favorite_ part is how, when Violet switches off the lights in her house, somehow everyone in the house instantaneously falls asleep.

No. My favorite part is how, in this story, Willy Wonka is now "Willy Wanker". Nothing can beat that name. Okay, maybe I still have a passion for Lately Pirate and California, but this is my new favorite messed up name in this saga.

No, my favorite part is how Violet apparently can't handle time machines at all and instead zaps around random times. Come on, time machines are one of those things that you just have to have an intuitive sense of how to operate.

No, my favorite part is how the Oompa-Loompa songs are now sung in French for some reason. None of us is French, so what's the point?

No, my favorite part is how Principal Business Man somehow converts the Great Glass Elevator into a time machine by plugging a button on its ceiling. What does he want to achieve by granting Willy Wonka- excuse me, Willy Wanker a time machine? Make the timeline more confusing? The more I read of this story, the more I was convinced that its ultimate goal is to get so confusing that no one should be able to resolve it.

No, my favorite part is how, apparently, Skepness Man Beauregarde (who, by the way, was somehow adopted by Violet in a plot that still doesn't make sense) can trick Mr. Sanpe into writing a grade (and an A, out of all things) for a subject that he doesn't even teach.

No, my favorite part is how the window in Business Man's office apparently is sentient, and not only that, but it can launch people across the city.

No, my favorite part is how Violet owns a chewing gum company, appropriately called Beauregarde Chewing Gum Industry. I guess she was just that mad that she didn't win Wonka's factory, and that is her petty revenge, which makes her character absolutely brilliant.

No. My favorite part is how the letter that Violet writes to Mr. Sanpe is repeated twice, once in an author's note (well, Seriously Written Note) and once when Violet actually writes it. Why does Mr. Sanpe want a hand in raising Skepness Man anyway?

No, my _favorite_ part is how Portal High School has an expansive underground part comprising, and I quote, "several hundred floors", and which is described as "a skyscraper except underground". How come this is a part of the building of Portal High School anyway? And why don't lessons take place there?

No, my favorite part is how, once Violet adopts Skepness Man, his personality changes radically. Before, he was a "chronomad" (brilliant concept, by the way; now, I am going to use this word to describe characters like the Doctor from Doctor Who) without a single care in the world, but after adoption, he turns into a much more depressed figure.

No. My favorite part is how the Oompa-Loompas are called "Loompa-Oompa Servants", and then, just one paragraph later, "Loompa-Oppa Gangnam Styles". I don't even like Gangnam Style, and now I have the song stuck in my head.

No, my favorite part is how Skepness Man is somehow _competing_ with Roxy- sorry, Roxa Lavigne. And this double doesn't make sense, considering Violet didn't "compete with" Skepness Man when they had a chat.

No, my favorite part is how, in this universe, foreign languages don't exist. Except they do exist, because there are goddamn French songs and phrases everywhere, so I don't know where you pulled that out from.

No, my favorite part is how, on Violet's tour, Wanker steals Violet's line and everyone laughs about it.

No. My favorite part is how Violet's own workers are somehow the nation of North Korea. I mean, my father, who's a geography teacher, couldn't find a mention of Loompaland anywhere, but North Korea is a real threat that you should not be messing with.

No, my favorite part is how, in Violet's factory, there is a second Violet, delightfully named "the fake Violet".

No, my favorite part is how, suddenly without any warning, the chapters end and we are shown an "intermission" that has absolutely no bearing on the real plot and even contradicts it. Come to think of it, the Cantaloupe and California chapter, by this definition, should also be an intermission, but it isn't, which makes it even funnier.

No, my favorite part is, and I quote again, "THIS IS AN IMPORTANT SETUP IT SHOULD HAVE GONE FIRST BUT WHATEVER". You can edit chapters after the fact, you know.

No, my favorite part is how the Oompa-Loompas (or, well, the Loompa-Oompa servants) sing a song to the tune of Gangnam Style, mocking Violet and Skepness Man. Now it's stuck in my head even deeper.

No, my _favorite_ part- alright, that's it, I give up, I just have too many favorite parts. This story is simply brilliant. ASBusinessMagnet, I truly congratulate you.

"Candy everything a poor man's house". Is that what happened to Wonka's factory in real life? Did the Bucket family just move in with their entire house?

It can't end here, though. You promised to deliver on the wedding of Skepness Man and Chell Junior- my bad, Chell _Junor_. But as of now-

Wait. Chell Junor, like Chell from Portal 2? And I suppose that she is somehow Wheatley's daughter? How does an Aperture Science Personality Construct even procreate?

Alright, let me finish my point. But as of now, Skepness Man and Chell Junor only had a brief interaction, which Skepness Man ran away from, thinking that she is going to kill him. That isn't exactly a relationship worthy of a wedding.

But alas, there it was. Last updated in August of 2013- _wait a minute._ That is just before we had our first glimpse at the Lithuanian man that claimed he was Violet. Are Violet and ASBusinessMagnet connected somehow? I just checked the profile, and indeed, it appears that ASBusinessMagnet is also from Lithuania. It can't possibly be?

And thus, I resolved to read the entirety of ASBusinessMagnet's story collection, just to get what is going on and hopefully get some answers to some of my burning questions.


	3. Swapped

So, I read the entirety of ASBusinessMagnet's story collection. It's something to look at, but none of it quite reaches the level of Post-SCrash Session 3: Spectators of the Host (which is, as I've learned, because the Post-SCrash Session series is what's known as "trollfics", which have this specific style behind them).

My main takeaway from it was that everyone uses this chat program called Pesterchum, which, after further research, turned out to be from a webcomic called Homestuck, which is what the Post-SCrash Session series was written for. It appears that the inconsistent "began chatting with" messages are part of it, since it's also a program in another universe, but this time called Trollian. Homestuck is confusing.

But luckily for me, I actually found a download link for Pesterchum/Trollian/whatever. And as such, continuing my sleuthing campaign, I "pestered" every "chumhandle" I could find in ASBusinessMagnet's stories. Many of them turned out to be Homestuck characters, but since the Homestuck characters don't actually exist, those were roleplayers. I chatted a bit with those roleplayers about the nature of roleplay, but eventually, gave up and dropped the call.

The only person who responded and wasn't a Homestuck character was someone, who, according to this one story, was named "Insane Guy of DOOM". Here is our conversation, once again helpfully copy-pasted by none other than Mike Teavee.

Just a note before we dive into the conversation, though: internetProdigy is me, while iamnotAmarysue is, well, Insane Guy of DOOM. (They really need names more convenient to say than "Insane Guy of DOOM" and "ASBusinessMagnet". Those are not real names. And yes, this is coming from a guy whose last name literally means "television".)

* * *

\- internetProdigy [IP] began pestering iamnotAmarysue [IA] -

IP: this is probably going to be a waste of time.  
IA: No its not!  
IA: I am right hear if u want some chats w/ me!  
IP: are you a Homestuck character?  
IA: Not last I checked...  
IP: alright then.  
IP: let's properly introduce ourselves then.  
IP: i'm Mike Teavee, one of the golden ticket winners.  
IP: who are you?  
IA: so your sayin your Mike Teavee from Charle an de Chocolate Factory?  
IP: yes, exactly.  
IP: the one who got shrunk by television, somehow.  
IP: it still hurts my brain to think about it.  
IA: Alright then!  
IA: you see Ive learned about the Golden Tickee winners bein real the hard way!  
IA: Anyway Im Insane Guy o DOOM, nice to meet u!  
IP: alright, i can accept that as a name, since i vaguely heard it in stories by this one person.  
IA: What wold that person be?  
IP: you're probably friends with him, so you would recognize his nickname.  
IP: ASBusinessMagnet.  
IA: oh Principal Business Man!  
IP: that is most definitely not what i said but okay.  
IP: Principal Business Man.  
IP: one of the characters of Post-SCrash Session 3: Spectators of the Host.  
IP: with me being one of the other characters, for some reason.  
IA: I kno rite?  
IA: anywey what is it that ur messagin about?  
IP: well, i've been amazed by what Violet Beauregarde, one of the other golden ticket winners, was outputting.  
IA: haha lol  
IA: Violet Bauregard ceo of Bauregard Chewinggum Industree!  
IP: well, she's not that in real life, only in Spectators of the Host, but okay.  
IP: so, anyway, she released a video together with France Gall, and i decided to read its comments.  
IP: and many of them showed a connection between her and an European country by the name of Lithuania.  
IA: Like where Business Man is from?  
IP: yes, where Business Man is from.  
IP: so i researched, and it turns out that there is a Lithuanian man claiming that he is Violet.  
IA: I KNEW IT!  
IP: knew what?  
IA: u see Violet messaged me!  
IA: Somehow i only reseved the massage in 2013 bu it was fro 2005  
IA: an Violet showed knoledge of Spectaters of da Host wich wont be written in a wile.  
IA: so I made the only reasonable konklushon that somehow, Business Man is in Violets body!  
IA: so I went bak in time an confronted her bu she wont respond to my advances...  
IA: an the whole thin eventshelly got me trapped in Wonkas factury.  
IP: you got trapped in Wonka's factory?  
IP: how is that even possible?  
IP: he never opened the gates or anything.  
IA: Thru the Great Glass Elevetor!  
IA: Wonka had to get Charlee home but then when Charlee refused the faktory Wonka went back in an so did I!  
IP: wait a minute.  
IP: i thought Charlie did get the factory eventually?  
IA: well sorta  
IA: Yu see Charlee didnt want the factory becaus Wonka said that he wold hav to give up his family  
IA: but then Wonka met up with his fater and they both hugged  
IA: so Wonka let Charlee's family in w/ their entire house!  
IP: so it is true that Wonka's factory is now "candy everything a poor man's house", right?  
IA: Exactly!  
IA: so anywey I worked fo Wonka for eight an a half years bu eventshelly got out!  
IA: An that is my own crazy story!  
IA: Now did I intterupt you?  
IP: yes, you did, but i already forgave you.  
IP: so, what you are suggesting is that somehow, Violet and Business Man swapped bodies?  
IA: Yeah probablee!  
IA: I still dont kno the entire details!  
IP: well, that's a relief to know.  
IP: anyway, so i read some more of the comments for Violet's video and discovered Spectators of the Host.  
IP: and from there discovered you.  
IA: Well Im GLaD (lol lick GLaDOS) that u discovered me!  
IA: Now we can both work at de Business Man/Violet mistery!  
IP: say, this might sound like an outrageous proposal...  
IP: but what do you say if we bring both Violet and Business Man to Wonka's factory?  
IA: well Im in contact w/ neether  
IA: so I cant exactly help  
IA: but yeah if u can think it u can do it!  
IP: thanks.  
IP: well, i'm also in contact with neither, but at least i have Violet's mother on Skype.  
IP: so, i'll see what can be done.  
IP: in that case, it is a bye to you.  
IA: bye Mike Teevee!

\- internetProdigy [IP] ceased pestering iamnotAmarysue [IA] -


	4. Scarlett

[2015-04-02 17:04:56] **Mike Teavee:** hello, Violet's mother.  
[2015-04-02 17:11:23] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Why, hello, Mike!  
[2015-04-02 17:11:33] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Is there anything that brings you to me today?  
[2015-04-02 17:11:38] **Mike Teavee:** sort of.  
[2015-04-02 17:11:49] **Mike Teavee:** so, the other day i discovered that Violet made a collaboration video together with France Gall.  
[2015-04-02 17:12:01] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** You mean my sister?  
[2015-04-02 17:12:05] **Mike Teavee:** your what?  
[2015-04-02 17:12:14] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** My sister, Isabelle!  
[2015-04-02 17:12:25] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Violet is currently living with her!  
[2015-04-02 17:12:48] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** At some point, we all decided she was tired of going around the world, so she settled in one place.  
[2015-04-02 17:12:53] **Mike Teavee:** well, that's fantastic.  
[2015-04-02 17:13:02] **Mike Teavee:** anyway, that's not the point i was trying to make.  
[2015-04-02 17:13:20] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** In that case, what was it?  
[2015-04-02 17:13:39] **Mike Teavee:** i was looking in the comment section for the video, and i saw a lot of people pointing out an European country named Lithuania.  
[2015-04-02 17:13:47] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** That sounds vaguely familiar.  
[2015-04-02 17:13:53] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Please, continue.  
[2015-04-02 17:14:00] **Mike Teavee:** so i Googled it, and it turns out there is a Lithuanian man who claims he is Violet.  
[2015-04-02 17:14:09] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Oh.  
[2015-04-02 17:14:16] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** I know what you're talking about!  
[2015-04-02 17:14:22] **Mike Teavee:** you do?  
[2015-04-02 17:14:38] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** In September of 2013, unexpectedly, Violet showed up at my home, together with someone she brought from Lithuania.  
[2015-04-02 17:14:55] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** So I chatted him up, and I came to a strange conclusion.  
[2015-04-02 17:15:06] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** He apparently remembers everything that Violet did, up to the finding of the Golden Ticket.  
[2015-04-02 17:15:25] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** He says that we were searching for the Golden Ticket when she found this weird candy and, without second thinking, ate it.  
[2015-04-02 17:15:47] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Then, we searched some more, but she fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was him.  
[2015-04-02 17:15:58] **Mike Teavee:** well, here's the thing.  
[2015-04-02 17:16:02] **Mike Teavee:** how do i put this eloquently...  
[2015-04-02 17:16:18] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Don't worry, Mike, I will understand!  
[2015-04-02 17:16:28] **Mike Teavee:** alright, whatever.  
[2015-04-02 17:16:35] **Mike Teavee:** in Violet's video, i also found references to a story.  
[2015-04-02 17:16:40] **Mike Teavee:** a story which was written by a Lithuanian man.  
[2015-04-02 17:16:46] **Mike Teavee:** now, i know what you're thinking.  
[2015-04-02 17:16:49] **Mike Teavee:** another one?  
[2015-04-02 17:16:59] **Mike Teavee:** well, i found contacts for one of his friends, and he suggests that it's actually the same one.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:08] **Mike Teavee:** so, now i know something that you might want to call your pretender.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:16] **Mike Teavee:** ASBusinessMagnet.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:22] **Mike Teavee:** aka Principal Business Man.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:33] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** That doesn't even remotely sound like a name, though...  
[2015-04-02 17:17:39] **Mike Teavee:** that's the internet for you.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:48] **Mike Teavee:** and apparently, he and Violet swapped bodies a la Freaky Friday.  
[2015-04-02 17:17:53] **Mike Teavee:** you've seen Freaky Friday, right?  
[2015-04-02 17:18:07] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Maybe?  
[2015-04-02 17:18:18] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** The whole situation does ring a bell, though...  
[2015-04-02 17:18:27] **Mike Teavee:** and at this point, a crazy idea formed in my head.  
[2015-04-02 17:18:35] **Mike Teavee:** what if we bring both Violet and Business Man to Wonka's factory?  
[2015-04-02 17:18:42] **Mike Teavee:** well, i can bring neither, but you have Business Man.  
[2015-04-02 17:18:51] **Mike Teavee:** and also, you are probably in contact with Violet.  
[2015-04-02 17:19:01] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** I am, in fact, in contact with Violet!  
[2015-04-02 17:19:04] **Mike Teavee:** great.  
[2015-04-02 17:19:11] **Mike Teavee:** can you tell me where she lives?  
[2015-04-02 17:19:18] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** As I told you, with Isabelle!  
[2015-04-02 17:19:27] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** They both are currently living in her apartment in Paris.  
[2015-04-02 17:19:39] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Want me to give a more precise address?  
[2015-04-02 17:19:40] **Mike Teavee:** Paris, the capital of France?  
[2015-04-02 17:19:48] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** What other Paris is there?  
[2015-04-02 17:19:57] **Mike Teavee:** alright, was just checking.  
[2015-04-02 17:20:06] **Mike Teavee:** as for the more precise address: it can wait.  
[2015-04-02 17:20:12] **Mike Teavee:** maybe Violet will fly to Wonka's factory by herself.  
[2015-04-02 17:20:18] **Mike Teavee:** if i can get a hold of her.  
[2015-04-02 17:21:27] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** I can give you her contacts!  
[2015-04-02 17:21:36] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** We two have been chatting on Skype, you know?  
[2015-04-02 17:21:39] **Mike Teavee:** alright.  
[2015-04-02 17:21:47] **Mike Teavee:** i'll probably want this to be a full scale reunion tour, though.  
[2015-04-02 17:21:55] **Mike Teavee:** which means i'm bringing in Augustus and Veruca as well.  
[2015-04-02 17:22:06] **Mike Teavee:** so i'm going to message them soon.  
[2015-04-02 17:22:16] **Mike Teavee:** anyway, that's all i needed you for.  
[2015-04-02 17:22:33] **Scarlett Beauregarde:** Goodbye, then!  
[2015-04-02 17:22:38] **Mike Teavee:** goodbye.


	5. Winners

[2015-04-03 11:11:22] **Mike Teavee:** hey, Leopold Slikk.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:01] **Augustus Gloop:** Um, did you post this to the wrong person? I'm Augustus Gloop.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:10] **Mike Teavee:** you are German.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:15] **Mike Teavee:** you are kind of fat.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:29] **Augustus Gloop:** That is not okay!  
[2015-04-03 11:28:39] **Augustus Gloop:** I have been eating better since the tour!  
[2015-04-03 11:28:40] **Mike Teavee:** you cannot handle computers at all.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:48] **Mike Teavee:** ergo, you're Leopold Slikk the angry German kid.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:01] **Augustus Gloop:** Except I'm hearing of Leopold for the first time!  
[2015-04-03 11:29:28] **Mike Teavee:** anyway jk.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:32] **Mike Teavee:** here's the thing.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:40] **Mike Teavee:** i'm visiting Wonka's factory again, and was wondering if you could come along.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:49] **Augustus Gloop:** And for what purpose would that be?  
[2015-04-03 11:29:56] **Mike Teavee:** want me to tell the truth?  
[2015-04-03 11:30:11] **Augustus Gloop:** The truth can't possibly hurt, can it?  
[2015-04-03 11:31:11] **Mike Teavee:** it's to do with Violet.  
[2015-04-03 11:31:22] **Mike Teavee:** turns out, she is really a Lithuanian kid who wrote some stories.  
[2015-04-03 11:31:34] **Augustus Gloop:** You must be pulling my leg, Mike!  
[2015-04-03 11:31:41] **Mike Teavee:** unlike with Leopold, this time i'm not joking.  
[2015-04-03 11:32:00] **Augustus Gloop:** Well, I suppose I could come along!  
[2015-04-03 11:32:14] **Augustus Gloop:** Now that I think of it, I kind of miss the place.  
[2015-04-03 11:32:21] **Augustus Gloop:** So delicious.  
[2015-04-03 11:32:34] **Mike Teavee:** there is more to it than just the chocolate room.  
[2015-04-03 11:32:38] **Mike Teavee:** anyway, alright, you can come along.  
[2015-04-03 11:32:44] **Mike Teavee:** just try and not fall into the chocolate river again.  
[2015-04-03 11:33:01] **Augustus Gloop:** I will see if I can fit it into my schedule!  
[2015-04-03 11:33:11] **Mike Teavee:** that's the spirit.  
[2015-04-03 11:33:17] **Mike Teavee:** see you later.

* * *

[2015-04-03 11:11:27] **Mike Teavee:** hey, Louise Post.  
[2015-04-03 11:28:01] **Veruca Salt:** louise who  
[2015-04-03 11:28:59] **Mike Teavee:** i have been told this is the contacts for the band, Veruca Salt.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:11] **Mike Teavee:** and Louise is as close to a leader as they have.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:20] **Veruca Salt:** theres a band named after me  
[2015-04-03 11:29:23] **Mike Teavee:** yes.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:29] **Mike Teavee:** how come you didn't know of this?  
[2015-04-03 11:29:38] **Veruca Salt:** well maybe i was too busy shelling nuts for my father  
[2015-04-03 11:29:47] **Mike Teavee:** alright, fair enough.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:22] **Mike Teavee:** anyway, that's beside the point.  
[2015-04-03 11:29:27] **Veruca Salt:** and the point is  
[2015-04-03 11:30:10] **Mike Teavee:** i'm thinking of going to Wonka's factory again, and wanted you and Augustus to tag along.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:15] **Veruca Salt:** what about violet  
[2015-04-03 11:30:19] **Mike Teavee:** excellent question.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:28] **Mike Teavee:** you see, the Violet you knew and love-hated is actually an impostor from Lithuania.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:34] **Mike Teavee:** so, he is coming along as well, alongside the real Violet.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:37] **Veruca Salt:** he  
[2015-04-03 11:30:43] **Mike Teavee:** yes, he.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:50] **Mike Teavee:** acronym for harmless excellence, haha.  
[2015-04-03 11:30:56] **Mike Teavee:** so, would you like to join this fun?  
[2015-04-03 11:31:44] **Veruca Salt:** well i dont know if i can manage it  
[2015-04-03 11:31:51] **Veruca Salt:** my father has been forcing me to work truly ridiculous hours  
[2015-04-03 11:31:58] **Veruca Salt:** but hey nothing is impossible  
[2015-04-03 11:31:26] **Mike Teavee:** alright, we will discuss the details later.  
[2015-04-03 11:31:37] **Mike Teavee:** goodbye.

* * *

[2015-04-03 12:07:31] **Mike Teavee:** hey, ASBusinessMagnet.  
[2015-04-03 12:08:44] **Violet Beauregarde:** What?  
[2015-04-03 12:08:49] **Violet Beauregarde:** To begin with I am Violet Beauregarde.  
[2015-04-03 12:08:58] **Violet Beauregarde:** Olympic champion and YouTube celebrity.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:02] **Mike Teavee:** wrong.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:14] **Mike Teavee:** i already discussed this with one of your story-writing friends, as well as Violet's mother.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:25] **Mike Teavee:** you're just a pretend Violet who happens to hold her body hostage.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:34] **Violet Beauregarde:** No offense but you sound like this one crazy guy I met at the tour.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:44] **Violet Beauregarde:** He kept calling me Business Man and telling me to snap out of it.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:49] **Mike Teavee:** you mean Insane Guy of DOOM?  
[2015-04-03 12:09:56] **Violet Beauregarde:** I have no idea who that is.  
[2015-04-03 12:09:59] **Mike Teavee:** of course you do.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:03] **Mike Teavee:** don't lie to me.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:07] **Mike Teavee:** i see right through you.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:10] **Mike Teavee:** anyway.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:28] **Mike Teavee:** i want to bring both you and the real Violet to Wonka's factory so he can explain what the hell he did to you two.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:36] **Mike Teavee:** and you kind of need to come along.  
[2015-04-03 12:10:44] **Violet Beauregarde:** Why?  
[2015-04-03 12:10:55] **Mike Teavee:** because you are, as you wrote in your own stories, the fake Violet.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:11] **Violet Beauregarde:** Well fuck you I am the real Violet and since you insulted me like that Im not coming.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:17] **Mike Teavee:** well, i mean every word that i said.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:25] **Mike Teavee:** and believe me when i say that i will meet you in Paris.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:33] **Mike Teavee:** and drag your sorry ass to Wonka's factory.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:39] **Violet Beauregarde:** I would love to see you try.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:46] **Mike Teavee:** anyway, well that was a waste of time.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:52] **Mike Teavee:** but i promise i will get you.  
[2015-04-03 12:11:59] **Mike Teavee:** bye for now.


	6. Paris

During the next ten days, I entered more chats with everyone (including Violet, her mother, Augustus, Veruca and Insane Guy of DOOM). They were kind of getting repetitive, so I won't be copy-pasting them anymore, but ultimately, we got into a deal.

Since Violet was still playing hard to get, we needed to convince her in person, which meant that we were flying to Paris first. Then, we would go to Calgary, where we would meet up with Violet's mother and the person she was bringing. I already had planned a little tour of the city, and then, we would go into Wonka's factory... somehow. The deal was still in the works.

I also stopped blindly assuming that Violet is really ASBusinessMagnet. She was just really insistent that she was Violet, and Insane Guy of DOOM wasn't exactly in the best condition overall, what with his crazy typing style, so maybe he was not to be believed as a reliable source of information.

This, of course, would bring into question everything that he claimed. Not just ASBusinessMagnet and Violet swapping bodies, but also the part where he worked for Wonka. Suffice to say, Insane Guy of DOOM looks nothing like an Oompa-Loompa.

So, that's about it for the intermediate period; let's cut to the chase and follow us in Paris.

* * *

The meeting place I had called everyone to show up at was not too far away from France Gall's house. I didn't want to meet up right at her house, because that could possibly freak her and Violet out if they looked out of the window. And besides, a little walk couldn't hurt. After all, we had plenty of walks through the airports already.

Insane Guy of DOOM showed up first. My first thought when I first met him in person was "oh my god, he really needs to shave". Seriously. He looked just like that one Oompa-Loompa in the Inventing Room. The one who took that candy that Wonka offered to me. I still stand by what I said back then. Who wants a beard?

"Heya, Mike!" He said.

"So. Do you speak with misspellings too?" I sarcastically asked.

"I told you. I've been having troubles with English while in Wonka's factory, as he didn't give me athy... agyni... _anything_ to write about. But luckily, now that I'm out, I've been working on a story about my troubles. Want to read it?" He clearly had trouble with a lot more than just the word "anything"; I just can't be bothered to deliver an exact transcript of what he said.

"Well, I've already read Spectators of the Host, so yeah, sure." I answered.

"Great! I haven't exactly had a lot of fans since Skep-katty, and he's just such a falmer troll. I really need more reel fans." He began going on his own tirade.

"Falmer troll?" I vaguely remembered this term from Spectators of the Host, but didn't really remember what it meant.

"You know, people who don't like my stories that much. They do _horrible_ things to me, like MST the stories."

"I'm sorry. MST?" He just kept throwing more and more terms specific to this corner of the internet.

"You know, copy-pasting my story and inserting _horrible comments_ into it."

"Alright. Maybe once I hang out with you and ASBusinessMagnet more, I will get into it. Hopefully. This is an interesting world you're in." As I said this, Veruca approached.

"So. What are you two talking about?" She asked. She looked like she had left her father's factory without notice.

"Oh, nothing." I lied.

"Which one of them are you?" Insane Guy of DOOM asked Veruca, as if he didn't know that she was the only girl I called into this meeting. Well, at least until we were to meet up with Violet.

"Veruca Salt. Pleased to meet you." Veruca was still being her old self from the factory tour, what with the pleasantries.

"Alright, Veruca. Liking those squirrels?" Insane Guy of DOOM asked, immediately putting Veruca to shock.

"Hey. That is not how you talk to the Golden Ticket winners. You just don't bring whatever happened to us up without warning." I snapped.

"Oh, I get it. You were molest-raped by Wonka and you don't like to think about it." Insane Guy of DOOM started to realize what is going on.

Just as Veruca snapped out of it, Augustus approached us. "Hello!" he waved.

"Alright. Let's go." I immediately headed towards where France Gall's house really was, and Augustus, Veruca and Insane Guy of DOOM followed us.

* * *

Once I rang, we entered the most uneasy silence that had been there so far in our adventure. After all, even I was unsure if this would work. Maybe Violet's mother was throwing us all off.

When the door opened and Violet came to see us, with France Gall somewhere in the background in the house, I sighed in relief, before beginning my approach to her in real life. "Brilliant. My awesomeness strikes again."

France Gall, of course, was weirded out for no apparent reason and walked away from the door. Violet, too, wasn't too pleased with seeing all of us. "You have a lot of explaining to do." She said as she crossed her arms.

I realized that this was my cue, and began explaining. "Well, we have been planning to get back at Wonka for quite a time now, and we thought that only you were missing. Luckily, your video with France Gall got viral, so I figured she might know something. I asked your mother, and she led us all to this particular house. So, back to Canada?"

"Ugh, what?" She was playing just as hard to get as in our Internet conversations. Meanwhile, Veruca ran inside the house and sang some song, which France Gall instantly recognized. I realized that it was most likely from her discography, but it wasn't the one with the YouTube video with Violet.

"Look, Business Man, you're going with us one way or atoner... annohe... another!" Insane Guy of DOOM tried to approach Violet, still being in his little world and believing everything he, well, believed.

"Who is Business Man?" Augustus asked. I decided not to explain everything to him.

"So, yeah, that's the deal. We'll figure something out along the way." I say, being honest with the fact that I still don't have a definite plan to get to Wonka's factory, before realizing that someone still needed to be taken care of. "Veruca, come back here." She eventually did, and France Gall followed her for some reason.

"Lololohahaha." Insane Guy of DOOM suddenly laughed. What was so funny about this? What did he see? One could only try and figure out his next comment and what precisely it meant: "The five Golden Tickee winners: Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt, Violet Beauregarde, Mike Teavee and France Gall."

"Good grief." Violet had no words. After all, she was still not aware of most of the plan, as I wasn't discussing with her due to the distance between us, so I decided to explain it as concisely as I could.

"Oh, and by the way, your mother is coming too with someone else." I wasn't sure anymore who was Violet and who was ASBusinessMagnet, so "someone else" were the best words I could use to describe... _whoever_ it was that Violet's mother was bringing.

Violet, finally, realized that she was going to Wonka's factory, no matter what, and turned to France Gall. "Alright, let me just pack my stuff and go then. Isabelle? Ils veulent, que je voyage à Calgary pour visiter la chocolaterie de Wonka." So, apparently, you needed to speak to France Gall in French, since she didn't understand English. Well, that explains a lot. Except: how does a public figure just not know English? (Disclaimer: I don't understand French, so I have no idea what she said.)

Violet and France Gall thus disappeared in their house. There was another uneasy silence for quite a long time, before they both stepped out, carrying luggage.

"You don't mean that...?" I asked, confused.

"Yup, she's going with us." Violet answered.

"Oh, fantastic." So now, I had to give a tour of Wonka's factory to France Gall as well. This was working out just great.


End file.
